With Halloween fast approaching, we thought it best to educate ourselves in the art of defending ourselves against the creepiest of ghoulies. We don’t want to be unprepared should Michael Myers come knocking (of either the Halloween or the Shrek variety). Firstly, as it seems most likely (you’ll agree if you’ve ever been shopping in Tesco on a Sunday afternoon), we want to prepare ourselves for a zombie attack. Who better to teach us than three characters who’ve tackled them first hand? Time to meet our panel…

THE PANEL

Shaun (of the Dead variety)
Experience: Has bludgeoned zombies with a cricket bat and has been stabbed in the head by a dart for his cause.
Likes: Girlfriend Liz, best friend Ed, electro and the Winchester pub.
Dislikes: Specky David, his step dad and unnecessary acts of cruelty to his vinyl collection.

R (main character in Isaac Marion’s novel Warm Bodies)
Experience: R’s experience lies primarily in his being a zombie. Ouch!
Likes: Juicy brains, especially that of Perry, Julie, more juicy brains.
Dislikes: His garbled speech, his tattered clothes and lack of memories.

Jim (hospital patient in 28 Days Later)
Experience: Woke up alone in the centre of London to find the population emaciated thanks to zombie outbreak.
Likes: Free shopping at the supermarket, odd haircuts.
Dislikes: Waking up naked in a hospital bed, being rudely brought up to speed by ravenous zombies, Christopher Ecclestone.

THE SCENARIOS

If they are trying to get into your house…
Shaun: Close the curtains and make sure the front door’s locked. If all else fails attack the zombies. Kitchen implements are fine but a treasured music collection works best – unless it’s on an iPod, then you’re probably screwed.
R: I… don’t live… in house. Live in… airport.
Jim: Amass a mountain of trolleys and hope the zombies can’t climb them. If they can, make a narrow escape and take a taxi to sanctuary.

If they bite someone you love…
Shaun: Look for tell-tale signs. If they’re clutching a tissue to their arm, make sure they’re not hiding a bite wound. Unleash fury if a loved one has been bitten and send friends to ward off oncoming zombies with pool cues.
R: I… kiss it better.
Jim: Get in the taxi and get out of there!

If they’re surrounding you and there’s no way out…
Shaun: Cause a diversion. Just make sure they don’t know your short-cuts.
R: Wait… for best… friend… to deal with… boneys… or get… chainsaw.
Jim: Pray you happen to be in an army base… just one that isn’t filled with leering army guys. Not sure what’s worse.

BRIEF 101

• Remove the head or destroy the brain.
• Think fast, there’s no telling whether you’ll get Shaun’s slow-mo zombies or the nippy 28 Days Later can-run-faster-than-your-best-sprint kinda zombies.
• Don’t panic – R is testament that it’s not necessarily all bad. You just might smell a bit and will start to decompose, but you may strike it lucky and have a conscience and vague sense of self.
• Always carry a weapon.
• Always have a plan – just maybe don’t include the pub in it. Or the airport – the pilots are probably zombies and the airport itself may happen to be the one R and his zombie group inhabit.
• Don’t make grand romantic gestures in a zombie crisis – it leads to almost certain death for both you and your loved one.
• Do take advantage of the low levels of normal people on the streets. Stock up on chocolate and non-perishables – all for free!