10. “Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They’re going to hike to the top of his money.”
9. “Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”
8. “They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you’re keeping score, here’s what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero.”
7. “Who sexes the animals?”
6. “The White House has announced that they no longer recognise Fox as a news organisation, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.”
5. “Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.”
4. “USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
3. “The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.”
2. “They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.”
1. “I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”
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