Shame of Thrones: Season 5, Episode 1

Thank the old gods and the new! Game of Thrones has finally returned to our screens!

It’s been a long old wait since the end of the last season… hell, it’s taken even longer to arrive than a Westeros winter. Ever wondered what the Starks say when it actually is winter? I’m sure we’ll find out, being that there are so many Starks lef….ahem.

Anyway, season four wrapped up in typical style – an oversized woman bit off the ear of an even more overly sized bloke, some extras from The Walking Dead wandered on to the wrong set and attacked young Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright), and an old man was shot with arrows while taking a dump. Just another lovely day in Westeros! And, let’s face it… we all loved it to death.

That being said, no show is without sin, and Game of Thrones really pushes the boat out. There aren’t many programmes that would show a scene where a brother pretty much rapes his sister over the corpse of their dead son. Even then, most people just shrug their shoulders. Does that say more about us, the fans, or the show itself? A tricky question, one this article won’t endeavour to answer.

Instead, we’re going to look at some of the more questionable aspects of each episode. Those things that you can’t help cringing at more than Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) when he sees a sausage. We observe them, we ignore them, and we get on with it – thoroughly regretting that our grandma’s love for Lord of the Rings would mean she’d want to watch Game of Thrones with us.

“Those pesky people from the Seven Kingdoms, what are they like?” we laugh. Well, I say enough’s enough! Shame on you, Game of Thrones! It’s time to answer for your crimes!

Shame on you (i) 

It was nice of the show to answer a burning question: where did all of Tyrion’s (Peter Dinklage) excrement go if he’s been stuck in that box for weeks? Our favourite Lannister shoving it through those little air holes for Varys (Conleth Hill) to dispose of it like doggy doody is not the vision I wanted to take from this episode.

However, I do commend Tyrion on his beard growing skills. Tywin Lannister’s (Charles Dance) body looked pretty fresh over in King’s Landing, but Tyrion still managed to go full Gandalf in the meantime! Never mind. It does look pretty cool. But Tyrion always looks cool.

Shame on you (ii)

It took a mere twelve minutes before we got our first nude-whore-in-a-brothel scene for this series. It wouldn’t be Game of Thrones without some casual nudity. Hell, there’s usually enough to make a White Walker blush. Bit of a confusing scene, however, as the Unsullied, great warriors that they are, lack slightly in the male anatomy department – okay, their penises were removed as boys.

With rising curiosity, we wondered just what an Unsullied could want from such a situation. Turns out he simply wanted a bit of kindness. This is actually a very sweet scene, until the poor bloke gets his throat slashed open. Ah, GoT, you’ve not changed!

Shame on you (iii)

I’ll come out and say it: I’m not a Daario Naharis (Michiel Huisman) fan. I didn’t like him in the books – yes, I’ve read them all – and I don’t like him in the show, despite the amazing ability to change his face between seasons. The switch was so drastic I’m sure old Jaqen H’ghar would’ve been very jealous. I was half expecting Ben Affleck to be playing Daario this year.

All that said, it was even more annoying when we were treated to a full view of Huisman’s behind while the gorgeous Emilia Clarke stayed completely covered up in bed. That’s not fair. If you’re going to show us nudity, don’t just show us the bloke, damn it! And speaking of our young Targaryen queen…

Shame on you (iv) 

Those poor, poor dragons. Theon Greyjoy is treated better than them! After all, Viseryagogo and Rhagabobo, or the green one and the red one, haven’t technically done anything wrong. It’s that naughty black one that has caused all the trouble. Poor Dany is seriously out of her depth with these fire-breathers, and I don’t think locking them up is doing any good.

She obviously needs some help, and I pray by the grace of the Seven that Tyrion reaches her soon. It’s time her story actually started to, erm, move forward.

And that concludes this week’s Shame of Thrones. Don’t get me wrong, I freaking love this show. This episode was a very enjoyable premiere, and I can’t wait for what’s to come. And I will be waiting, by the way, not watching the leaked versions – have some damn integrity, guys!

So join me for more shamings after next week’s episode, in which Arya (Maisie Williams) will no doubt continue to be awesome and Jon Snow (Kit Harington) will continue to know nothing.