To complete our magazine’s list of nightmare movie Christmas dinner guests we bring you a further six movie characters who’d be sure to ruin the festivities…
Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) Twilight Saga
Apathetic Bella is the movie equivalent of your moody teenage sister. Brooding and constantly sulking about her undead boyfriend, pouting priss Bella will probably spend most of the time playing with her food or staring at the screen of her mobile phone. She will refuse to engage in conversation or join in with the festive fun and will frequently throw out stroppy catchphrases such as ‘I don’t care’, ‘doesn’t matter’ and ‘I’m not hungry’. Don’t sit her next to Bub, she has a bad habit of falling in love with dead guys.
Where she should sit: Next to Tommy. Cue eye-rolling and ‘whatever’s’ when Tommy gets riled.
Festive Tipple: Diet cherry soda. Or like, whatever.
Baby Jane Hudson (Bette Davis) Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
You know she used to be a star? Unhinged Baby Jane, the former child celeb, will probably leave her sister Blanche at home for this special ‘do. As Baby Jane pours herself another drink, she’ll cackle with glee as she regales tales of her career before it tragically collapsed making her the perfect drinking companion for Burgundy. You’ll most likely find her laughing at the misfortune of others and sneering at your silverware. Before the appetizer is served, it’s guaranteed that she’ll perform a few of her ‘old numbers’ just to get everybody into the Christmas spirit before passing out under the tree.
Where she should sit: Away from young attractive Bella and a set of stairs.
Festive Tipple: ‘Anything honey, pour me another one!’
Mystery Man, (Robert Blake) Lost Highway
Falling somewhere between Joel Grey’s MC in Cabaret and that creepy guy Robin Williams’ played in One Hour Photo, Mystery Man is a guest you certainly don’t want showing up. I mean, you only invited him because your Grandmother asked you to. He’s a distant relative and he shouldn’t be alone at Christmas surely? With his pale face and staring eyes, it’s probably not good to sit directly opposite him as it can be quite unnerving to watch somebody paying so much attention to the way you slice your turkey. Still, I suppose he’ll come in handy if the phone ever rings…
Where he should sit: On the right of Baby Jane (as it seems they share the same cosmetics case) and next to Dr. Lecter because it’s nice when creeps get along!
Festive Tipple: Who knows, you keep asking but he just stares blankly.
Malcolm Tucker, (Peter Capaldi) In The Loop
For a man who once said he’d rather have Type 2 Diabetes than have a conversation, Malcolm is not only the perfect guest to bring his own dessert but he’ll keep things exciting. Clashing with almost everyone, especially those who are incompetent, he may berate you for your veg, your Christmas pudding and your decorations in one brutal statement. Known for his potty mouth, it’s best to steer him away from youngsters as most of his explicit insults nearly always involve donkeys; not at all appropriate when trying to re-enact the nativity scene.
Where he should sit: In the corner opposite Tommy Devito.
Festive Tipple: A coffee which doesn’t taste like ‘plimsolls’.
Damien (Harvey Stephens) The Omen
As the ultimate Christmas brat, you’re just going to have to comply when Damien insists he’s going to eat his ice cream and chocolates before dinner. This ultimate child from hell falls yards short of your Tiny Tim equivalent and is sure to throw tantrums aplenty if you force him to wear a knitted Christmas jumper instead of his own creepy Victorian garb. Quell his fury by serving up some Lucky Charms instead of a roast and you’ll avoid the urge to stab yourself with a pitch fork at a later date.
Where he should sit: Right next to you so you can give him plenty of undivided attention.
Festive Tipple: Chocolate milk.
Neo, (Keanu Reeves) The Matrix Trilogy
Putting the byword in boring is our saviour Neo, or as he was once known, Thomas Anderson. Neo is a terrible guest if you’re looking for a bit of festive cheer. You settle down to watch It’s A Wonderful Life and Neo offers his own existential insight about how none of this is real and we’re all just foetuses in giant tubs of goo. Not exactly this generation’s Old Saint Nick, then. Quiet and stoic, Neo probably won’t say much else which makes him pretty dull. Do you really want to spend the day with somebody who will answer every question with ‘Who are you?’ Plus he’s a pain in the arse when he refuses to wear a party hat.
Where he should sit: Next to Malcolm. He doesn’t believe he’s real anyway.
Festive Tipple: Probably something red… or possibly blue.
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