Review: Lesbian Vampire Warriors (2010)

Lesbian Vampire Warriors disappoints on every level. There’s nothing else to say, really, but this is a movie review site and this is, technically, a movie, so it seems that we’re obliged to at least take a walk through it.

It’s a Chinese film, written and directed by Dennis Law. The story, if you could call it that, is that there are such things as ‘vegetarian vampires’, who feast on the blood of small animals, as opposed to the blood of humans. Ar is a vampire hunter who is in a lesbian relationship with a vampire named Max. Interestingly, the film is only called Lesbian Vampire Warriors in English – the film in Chinese is known as Vampire Warriors. Anyway, there is a vampire lord who is killing humans, something about a group of evil vampires; will Ar kill them or not? Who cares. It’s such a lightweight mess that literally anything else happening in the room is a distraction – a passing cloud, a spider on the carpet, some crumbs on the table – anything seems more entertaining.

The film claims to be inspired by Twilight, but there’s no real similarity insofar as content, style, or plot. Also, the lesbian quotient is very low – normally, that wouldn’t be that big a deal but in a film called Lesbian Vampire Warriors, it’s weird for there not to be a single scene of same-sex affection or intimacy. Of course, the film is only called Lesbian Vampire Warriors to sell to the cult/schlock market, and the film is of low quality even by those standards. Even the Troma film A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, an equally tame film with an equally outrageous title, has some production values. This film is a cheap, amateurish, idiotic, unpleasant, unfunny, undignified, embarrassing mess.

What makes this film even worse is that it purports to be a comedy horror. Of course, it fails on both levels, and is in fact so bad that it actually pushes beyond the level of being so bad that it’s good and back round to bad again, bad in quite a depressing way. Depressing in that somebody had to sit and write this script, shoot these images and sit looking at them for an extended period of time while contemplating how best to varnish it in preparation for its release into the world. In a way, Dennis Law has seen more horror than any of us, and it’s quite honourable that he’s sacrificing himself in the pursuit of such depths of crapness, so that others don’t have to. Thank you, Dennis.