Roobla’s Alternative Premier League Awards 2015/16

The awards no one asked for but we did again anyway.

This could be one of the rare occasions where the season was actually barmier than these awards. We’ll let you decide.

The Oxford English Dictionary Award for Best New Verb
And the winner is… ‘Doing a Leicester’

Also known as ‘To Leicester’ – to achieve something outstanding in the face of overwhelming odds and putting a smile on nearly everyone’s faces in doing so.

The We Now What You Get Up to After a Game Award
And the winner is… Louis Van Gaal’s sex masochism quote

For a guy who has done for misguided interview soundbites what Picasso has done for cubism, Van Gaal’s comparing Robert Huth’s hair pull on Marouane Fellaini to sex masochism is a standout. Not only is it indicative of someone who is dipping his foot ever deeper into the sea of insanity, it also makes you wonder what he gets up to after a match. He was born in Amsterdam after all.

The What a Difference a Year Makes Award
And the winner is… A three-way tie between Jose Mourinho, Claudio Ranieri and Eden Hazard

This time last year there were talks of Mourinho and Chelsea creating a dynasty after they romped to the title, with Eden Hazard taking home Player of the Year. Ranieri, meanwhile, had been written off as a bumbling tinkerman after being sacked as manager of Greece following a humiliating loss to the Faroe Islands, who were ranked 104 in the world. Now Mourinho is out of a job, Hazard has played like a deer with dyspraxia and Ranieri is the toast of football fans everywhere. The old adage ‘football’s a funny game’ barely seems to do it all justice.

The Polyfilla Award for Papering Over the Cracks
And the winner is… Newcastle United

The Toon Army finally paid the price for a lacklustre recruitment policy (including defenders that couldn’t defend and strikers that couldn’t score), poor managerial appointments and messy boardroom politics. With owner Mike Ashley vowing not to sell up until the team wins a trophy, fans must be begging the Championship title will suffice.

The Good Luck Selling the End of Season DVD Award
And the winner is… Aston Villa

Save for a Capital One Cup win over bitter rivals Birmingham City, it’s difficult to find a single positive moment in Villa’s season. With a chairman and players looking about as interested as a vegan at a burger van, the season proved to be nine-month nightmare for the club as their 28-year stay in the top-flight came to an end. We can only assume anyone who does buy the end of season DVD, assuming one is actually made, is desperate to prove John Oliver isn’t the funniest thing to come out of Birmingham in recent years.

The I’m Never Betting Again Award
And the winner is… Everyone who put money on Leicester to go down

A seemingly sensible bet going into the season, people who put money on the Foxes to fall through the trap door are now said to be called ‘the bloke who put money on Leicester to get relegated’ more than their real name. Constantly being reminded that putting their tenner on the 5000-1 outsiders to win the league instead would’ve yielded returns of up to £50,000 is about as welcoming as a skunk in a crowded lift.

The Arsene Wenger Award for Refusing to Change Your Methods
And the winner is… Roberto Martinez

Wenger is bound to be disappointed to miss out, especially after this award literally had his name on it, but it’s the former Toffees boss who takes the plaudits. A breath of fresh air in his first season, Roberto Martinez’s relationship with Everton fans soon became more turbulent than an EastEnders love triangle. The Spaniard’s dedication to his approach, whilst admirable, ultimately proved his undoing as chants of ‘are you Wigan in disguise?’ grew ever more deafening.

The Tis But a Scratch Award
And the winner is… Bournemouth

Inspired by the black knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, this is awarded to a team that has refused to yield despite suffering horrendous injuries. Bournemouth can consider themselves worthy winners this year. One of the favourites for the drop even before a ball had been kicked, they battled through to secure their safety with two months of the season still to go. This was despite serious knee injuries to key players, including star striker Callum Wilson and £8 million summer signing Tyrone Mings. Rumours of Antonio Conte planning to instruct John Terry to deliberately injure Diego Costa in a bid to improve Chelsea’s fortunes are yet to be confirmed.

The History Repeating Award – presented by Dame Shirley Bassey
And the winner is… Sunderland

This is getting all too familiar: Sunderland have pants start to the season, sack current manager, hire new manager, avoid relegation despite looking doomed. This campaign was no exception, with Sam Allardyce doing just what Paolo Di Canio, Gus Poyet and Dick Advocaat achieved by keeping them up. For the sake of their fan’s health you hope it doesn’t happen again.

The Flakiest Excuse Award – winner takes home a year’s supply of moisturiser
And the winner is… Joleon Lescott for his ‘accidental’ tweet

Lescott infuriated already hacked-off Aston Villa fans by tweeting a picture of a £121,000 Mercedes after their 6-0 thrashing by Liverpool – only to claim the image was tweeted accidentally from his pocket. Possibly plausible, but to upload a photo and tweet it means having to do the following: unlock your phone, open Twitter, select the icon to send the tweet, select the add image icon, select the image from your album, upload it and then send the tweet. Of course it was an accident mate – next you’ll be telling me Leicester are going to win the… oh.

What are your alternative Premier League Awards from this season? Let us know below.

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