Bob Geldof‘s been been extremely quiet as of late. What he needed was something to bring him back into the public eye, and it couldn’t be another lackluster album because, as Russell Brand put it at the 2006 NME awards, “It’s no wonder Bob Geldof knows so much about famine – he’s been dining on I Don’t Like Mondays for 30 years”. So, a new album was out of the equation in Geldof’s bloodthirsty search to find relevance. His only other option was to revive Band Aid on its 30th anniversary for the worthy cause of the Ebola appeal. The Ebola virus disease was first discovered in 1976, so it has to be asked why has it taken Geldof until mid-November 2014 to try and fund the end of the epidemic? The answer: Christmas Number One.

The sad truth is that this was never about trying to fund the Ebola appeal. Let’s look at it this way, this is who Geldof has recruited to cover Do They Know It’s Christmas?: One Direction, Bono (don’t get me started), Emeli Sande, Ellie Goulding, Chris Martin, Sam Smith, and Rita Ora amongst others. First things first, haven’t all of the above made a career out of selling their souls to commercialism in order to make as much money as humanly possible, which inevitably means they are all a lot richer than just the average person on the street that they are trying to coerce into donating. Surely an easier solution would be for these multi-millionaires to join together and collectively dip into their excess fortunes to raise money for the Ebola appeal? Isn’t the idea of charity for people to help those less fortunate? So why is the reverse happening and the exceedingly fortunate are begging the less fortunate of this country to part with cash out of our tight budgets that come from working shit jobs with long hours in supermarkets and restaurants instead of getting a million pounds to appear on a hairspray advert or just to put up with Alan Carr‘s company for 30 minutes?

But the ‘musicians’ involved here aren’t doing it to raise money, they’re doing into to create a facade to the nation that they are doing their bit for the needy, when in reality it’s just a promotional tool so more people buy their music. If it was about making as much money as possible for charity, why would Bob Geldof of all people be in charge of such a poor marketing campaign? An iTunes download of the single costs 99p and Geldof has been pleading to the nation to “buy it ten times even if you don’t like it”. Problem number one: No one with a brain, unless you’re a middle-aged mum or a pre-pubescent child, buys music on iTunes anymore, so how is that in any way effective in raising as much money as possible? Problem number two: begging people to buy it “ten times” is impossible because, as anyone with an iTunes account can tell you, you can only buy a song once before it goes into your ‘purchased’ section of iCloud which forbids you to download it again. Problem number three: CD copies of the single will be sold at £4 each. The CD is dead, man. I’ve bought more cassettes than I have CDs in the last three years. CASSETTES. Geldof‘s bid for Christmas Number One wasn’t very well thought through at all.

The musicians involved are soulless sell-outs which means that the end product is an in-waiting disaster. Morrissey previously, as ever, provided an eternal light on the situation: “One can have great concern for the people of Ethiopia, but it’s another thing to inflict daily torture on the people of Great Britain”. The lyrics on the new version have been adjusted, so the previous Bono lyric “Well tonight thank god it’s them instead of you” has been replaced with “Well tonight we’re reaching out and touching you“, but both are unpleasant – the former contradicts the entire proposed cause of the appeal by saying something along the lines of ‘We’re raising money for this suffering people but I’m so happy that they’re suffering and you’re not’ and the latter is eerily unsettling in the current age of high-profile paedophillic scandals.

The whole idea of Band Aid 30 is essentially an irrelevant ghoulish Bob Geldof attempting to masquerade as some sort of belligerent Willy Wonka-esque protagonist putting his dukes up to remove all inconvenience that has ever existed from humanity and I’m sure that, at the end of the day, a Christmas Number One and hyperbolic media attention just come as a heartwarming bonus to him.