We thought it was about time the age old argument was settled. Which is the superior species? The Alien, or the Predator? Well, we know which team we’re on – here are our top six reasons why the Alien is clearly superior to that flappy-jawed predatory weirdo. So, sit back, relax, and attach face-huggers now.
(Note: As regards any Alien Vs Predator crossover films that may be in existence, for the purposes of this article we’re pretty much ignoring them. In fact, we’re pretending they were never made, and are a lot happier for it.)
1. The Alien is a parasite
It’s disgusting, but true. And, when you think about it, a huge biological advantage. The only drawback is that it means they need another species to show up in order to build a society, but once they do, it’s open season. The Queen lays eggs which hatch into face-huggers. The face-huggers then hug faces and implant baby aliens into the chests of the other species (usually our good selves). The baby aliens then burst out of the other species, killing them by being born. What a disgusting and beautiful process.
2. The Alien has acid for blood
The more you hurt them, the more you make it possible for them to hurt you. This is especially dangerous if you happen to be on a space ship, where it is pretty important that the hull doesn’t get even the tiniest hole in it, what with the definite probability of explosive decompression and all. This is a hard-core biological back up plan – even if you manage to cripple the thing so that it’s basically about to die, it can still take you down with it by leaking blood all over you. The Predator just has that neon green blood; all that does is make it easier for Arnie to track you through the jungle. Someone wasn’t thinking ahead.
3. The Alien is fast
And nimble. And pretty clever for a slobbering toothy beast. Ok, the Predators have all that technology, and the Aliens are basically a big scary ant colony, but it’s like Humans vs Velociraptors. The fact that you know you’re technically smarter than they are won’t be of much comfort to you while you’re watching them eat your intestines. The Alien is way faster than the Predator; it can climb up walls, pretend to be walls, open doors, climb through ventilation shafts, use elevators, and even make plans (like in Alien: Resurrection when two Aliens gang up on a weaker Alien so they can use its blood to burn their way out of prison).
4. The Predator is a weirdo
Predators don’t seem to have any motivation for killing humans other than perverted fun. They like to do weird things with human bodies, like (GORE WARNING) rip out the organs, peel off all the skin, and hang them in trees. What’s the point to all that? Are they eating any bits of us, or what? Are they pretty much just a team of interplanetary Ed Geins? At least the Aliens have an end game – to collect as many of us as possible to take back to the nest to propagate even more Aliens, thereby killing us and increasing their population at the same time (a pretty good strategy). They don’t mess about with skinning us, or any of that crazy business.
5. The Predator is little more than an intergalactic Inspector Gadget
The heat-seeking mask, the shoulder-mounted cannon, those flying deadly frisbee things, the techno-spear, the mines, the invisibility camouflage cloak, that thing built into his wrist – but even being the biggest techno-dweeb in the world won’t compensate for being a slow-moving, slow-thinking, badly evolved humanoid with a face like a bulldog chewing on a wasp. Technology is no match for the Alien. We know this. It laughs in the face of heat-seeking missiles – or at least, it would, if it could laugh. Unlike the Predator, the Alien has no time for useless chuckling.
6. The Predator is an idiot
He was outsmarted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, for pity’s sake. All the man had to do was cover himself in mud, set a few traps made out of logs and jungle vines, tell the thing it was ugly to its face (which, admittedly, shows some chutzpah) and the Predator responded by chickening out and blowing himself up. If Arnie ever came up against the Alien, we’re willing to bet he’d be one of the first to get glued to a wall with a face-hugger’s tentacle in his gullet.
Disagree with us? Think the mighty Predator could kick seven shades of hell out of that slimy Alien? Let us know your reasons in the comments, or give us a tweet @RooblaOfficial