Someone's Knocking at the Door (2009) – Review

Rape and murder await a group of unsuspecting med students after they uncover some hidden files stashed in the depths of their college basement in Someone's Knocking at the Door...

(Spoilers follow…) Billed as a horror comedy, Someone’s Knocking at the Door manages to lack on both fronts. Following the lives of a group of drug-riddled med students after one-by-one they fall victim to the deranged John and Wilma Hooper, mysteriously returned from their 1970’s raping and killing spree. Someone’s Knocking at the Door steadily unravels from the off, losing both coherency and credibility in record time.

Opening with the death of Ray (Jordan Lawson), whose drug-induced high is definitely ruined when the naked girl who knocks on his door suddenly turns into a demonic man intent on raping him to death, the film lurches drunkenly from one inexplicably poor scene to the next; one moment we watch as clown-suited Joe (Ricardo Gray) sucks the nipples of a wasted girl at a party, the next we’re watching a bald obese man running through the corridors of a hospital with a giant penis failing between his legs. To describe the story (we use the term loosely) that occurs between the two scenes is nigh impossible but expect a surreal funeral scene (where no burial takes place), a corny police investigation, several pointlessly grotesque deaths (with one character meeting her maker after being shoved up inside the crazed woman stalking her, we kid you not) as well as dizzying flashes that meddle with the reality portrayed by Chad Ferrin’s movie.

The ridiculousness of the film is heightened by both the dodgy acting and questionable soundtrack. Shot in eleven days, Someone’s Knocking at the Door is riddled with plot-holes and questions that are never addressed. Although it offers occasional neat camera work, the combination of the poor script and acting makes for a film that is far from worthwhile. Most of the dialogue-heavy scenes are awkward and overly-long and, despite its supposedly engaging ridiculous storyline, the film is ultimately boring.

Comedy and horror here mix about as comfortably as oil and water to nauseatingly poor effect. Whilst the black-men-have-large-penises reference at the autopsy table falls flat (you can almost see the tumbleweed roll by), the supposedly zany script sees police investigators utter moronic assumptive statements including ‘if he was straight why didn’t you have sex?’.

Anyone expecting an enjoyable horror spoof will feel robbed and will instead be left wondering why any of the events in the film happened… and why they wasted their time watching it. While watching Someone’s Knocking at the Door you may get the feeling that a more apt title would have either been ‘I’d Love To Fuck You Til You Die’ (as John Hooper likes to remind every victim) or, more appropriately, ‘The Giant Cock Killings’. Still, at least it didn’t stoop to that crime-of-cinema-crimes where they all wake up at the end… oh wait…

Best line: ‘I’m going to fuck you til you die’. Charming.
Best bit: When it ended.
Worst death: It’s a toughy, but having a penis tear through your stomach is pretty dire.

A crow was rescued and rehabilitated during production.

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