So you have moved into a new neighbourhood. The house seems almost perfect and the neighbours are friendly. It seems like a nice corner of suburbia to raise a family perhaps. Oh wait – what’s that? Your next door neighbour is a blood thirsty vampire? Never fear this survival guide will help you out…
First things first, make sure your neighbour is actually a vampire. Remember killing your neighbour because you have a suspicion they are a vampire is technically illegal. If they are a vampire though they law may be on your side.
Next go to the grocery store and stock up on all things garlic. It is widely known vampires don’t enjoy garlic. This may also be a good way of determining if said neighbour is a vampire. Why not go around and offer them some garlic bread. If they say no they are either a vampire or think you are slightly strange.
The next logical stage is to buy some holy water perfume or aftershave for all your loved ones. If the vampire next door realises that you are on to them, they are going to go for your family. At least doing this will bide your loved ones some time.
If said neighbour comes a knocking don’t invite them in. Vampires are very polite and won’t enter your home unless invited. Instead offer them a crucifix. If it bursts into flames in their hands your suspicions will be confirmed.
Stage five is to round up supplies. We aren’t talking spam and toilet paper here (although the toilet paper may be useful if things get really scary). We are talking stakes. Big wooden ones. If you can get hold of a crossbow too that would tip the scales a bit more – just make sure when you fire at the undead pesky neighbour they don’t see you. They have terribly quick reflexes.
To stick it to them you need to draw them out into the open. Don’t ever go into his/her home to destroy them. That is just a stupid idea. Our suggestion is to find a young sexy person. They can’t resist munching on sexy young people. Use them as bait and once they are in the open and have their back to you BLAM! Stake through the back to the heart and goodbye vampire. Of course if this doesn’t work they are going to be severely pissed off so you may want to up your strategy.
In this case get yourself a chainsaw and cut the vamp’s head off! They can’t rip your throat out if they haven’t got a head. If all this seems a bit tedious and you are living in a detached house just burn their house down. I’m pretty sure they are allergic to fire.
Of course there’s an alternative to all of this. why not join them and have a bit of a giggle and live forever. Could be fun.
Before you go slaying your vampire neighbour make sure they are vampires! You never know you may get one like those in Twilight and they will just watch you from the window and be creepy and depressing. They won’t try to munch on you just depress you to death.