Daniel Craig puts his perfectly tailored dinner jacket back on for Skyfall this month and so we got thinking about what it would take to actually be Bond. We don’t mean what training you’d need, we mean physically. Based on everything Bond gets up to in the name of Queen and country, from head to toe, we take a look at what it takes to be Bond…
Of course Bond has a superior intellect, if not to remember several foreign languages, how to fly various planes, helicopters and rocket packs, but also to come up with those quick quips that piss megalomaniacs off and pick up lines that make women’s clothes fall off the moment they’re said.
From the brown and smoky eyes of Sean Connery to the blue and bright of Daniel Craig, Bond’s eyes have better than 20/20 vision. He doesn’t just need to be able to shoot henchmen with pin point accuracy, he also needs to spot snipers before they see him, find microscopic evidence of someone tampering with his hotel room and ‘tells’ from a poker opponent. There’s only been one time when Bond has really needed to wear glasses and those were x-ray specs. What did he use them for? To look at women’s underwear. Tax payers’ money well spent.
Bond’s senses are exceptional. Was that the click of a gun being cocked or the sound of someone picking the lock on his door? Either way, whoever is making that sound better be on his side or they’re likely to end up dead.
Running around a lot means Bond needs to have a good cardio vascular system. An exceptional one in fact so he can still smoke, although he’s doing a lot less of that these days, but he still has to run much more than your average man. Why does he never enter the Olympics? He’d sweep the board in, well, everything.
It’s not so much the killing evil people that might get an international man of mystery down, it’s also the fact he can sleep with hundreds, if not thousands, of women and not call them the next day. We have seen that stone shroud around Bond’s heart disappear occasionally, see OHMSS and Casino Royale, but when it comes to women; Bond prefers to have his fun and leave. Yes, most guys might say this was their dream, but seriously that woman cried when you made love to her, you’re like the best she ever had, she won’t get over you easily you stone-cold hearted bastard.
On a standard day Bond drinks more alcohol than a student does during their entire fresher’s week. How on earth then does he manage to stand up, run, speak, shoot straight, get it up, break into secure locations and win at card games while shit-faced on Vodka Martinis? Has anyone else noticed that he also never seems to have a hangover? His liver is clearly the most incredible and efficient organ (inside his body) any human has ever had.
Have any of you ever been to the tropics? Remember when you had to go the doctor weeks in advance to get some immunisation shots? Ever seen Bond get those shots? No, we haven’t either. MI6 either dishes them out regularly or he just has a superior immune system that should probably be tested to see if we can find the cure for some of the world’s most horrible diseases. Of course many say Bond has a high risk of contracting STDs, but, while Bond treats women like meat, he’s not a fucking idiot and wears a condom, you should too. And Bond girls, we don’t care how nice his smile is, if the only thing he’s packing is Walther PPK, send him on his way.
Exotic foods, excessive amounts of alcohol, poison, Bond’s stomach can handle it all. We just hope he lights a match or opens the window when he’s done in there.
OK, let’s not go into too much detail but if the gasps we hear when he’s in his trunks are anything to go by then Bond’s got nothing to worry about here.
While not physical attributes as such, there are a few things that Bond probably still needs to keep on top of things. Protected no claims bonus on his cars is one thing, but perhaps he’s the reason insurance for men is so high. With the arrival of iPhones, maybe an app with ready-made quips for every situation would also be useful allowing him to spend his time remembering things that really matter, no doubt Q-Branch is already on it. But what do you think? We’re not talking about making him a cyborg, but do let us know below what extras you think would help 007 be a better Bond?
Special credit goes to Andy Waterman for his contributions toward this article.