WWE Royal Rumble 2023 review: Wrestling has more than one Royal Family…

It’s that time again everyone, it’s the the Royal Rumble, the first major event of the year, the start of the Road to WrestleMania and arguably the most exciting time to be a fan of WWE. Well, at least it is when it goes right. After the whiff of last year’s wet fart of a Rumble still lingers ever so slightly in the air, expectations were high but not too high for this year. A year that had a solid card, plenty of theories bobbing about, some major stars booked and many ideas about big surprises promised. Not to mention this is the first event that comes after some serious backstage drama (hello again Vince) at WWE and will be a good indicator of where we are heading at this year’s show of shows in Hollywood, compared to where we thought we were going a few months back. So buckle up, and get ready for the ride folks.

Here is what went down at the 2023 Royal Rumble!

The opening video package of course bigs up the Rumble season’s importance as well as the shows other major matches.

1. 30-Man Royal Rumble Match

Rather shockingly we kick off with the men’s Royal Rumble match, which suggests two things. They have something planned for the Women’s Rumble, and the Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens main event has some seriously major events ready to take place. Anyway back to the task at hand, I actually expected this one to feature the returning Cody Rhodes early (say, about #4) but apparently his participation was as near to the wire as possible health wise so his entry at #30 made sense, as did his inevitable victory. I mean, after all this, who else could it possibly have been (barring The Rock of course)? This year’s men’s Rumble was heavy with current stars, though there were some surprises in a returning Edge (#24), who instantly resumed his feud with The Judgment Day, Booker T (#21), which was fun if brief, and Logan Paul (#29) who’s springboard mid-air collision with Ricochet was a match highlight (and his elimination of Seth Rollins sets up an intriguing WrestleMania path). Brock Lesnar’s short stint surprised too, after being quickly eliminated by heated rival Bobby Lashley. Though the real star of the show was Gunther, who broke the 30-man Rumble time record by lasting a whopping 1hr 11 minutes, all the way from #1 to the final two. That said, this match had some issues, as long as it was, it kind of flattened the crowd for a good hour and a half afterwards, there were also some wonky booking choices (Rey Mysterio’s non-entry at #17, Lashley’s uneventful run post-Lesnar, Kofi Kingston’s teased comeback after another sadly miscalculated Rumble survival sequence) and the fact that the WWE’s bigging up of any surprises maybe did not quite shake our world as they thought they would. Still, it had some memorable moments and did its job rather well in setting up Reigns vs. Rhodes (and a few other matches/rivalries) though there may be a certain honorary fly in that ointment…more on that later. 

2. The Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match

Bray Wyatt vs. LA Knight

Bray Wyatt’s long awaited comeback match against LA Knight was in a tough spot here and the gimmick match itself has arguably become the most controversial match on this show. Contested under blacklight UV lighting, the visuals were undeniably cool for what was essentially a neon-lit No Holds Barred match. True, the heavy handed Mountain Dew sponsorship did hurt the aura of this match and at just over 5 minutes, this was far too short, but for what it was I enjoyed it. A creative, crazy (see Wyatt’s incredible “lit” bodypaint work and the glowing announcers table spot) and enjoyable little spectacle that was flawed certainly but comes in ahead of the likes of House of Horrors, Fiend vs Orton WrestleMania 37, Hell in a Cell 2019 or the ring mat antics of WrestleMania 33. The post-match stuff was perhaps even greater than the match itself, with Wyatt donning a rather cool new mask and taking his new “Wyatt VI” form, which was a cross between Jason Voorhees and the Predator, stalking Knight and setting him up for a fiery platform diving elbow from Uncle Howdy on the arena floor amidst a stunned crowd, which put LA Knight to rest, as the Firefly Funhouse crew looked on at the chaos from above. Horror film madness! Naturally the internet threw a hissy fit branding it the “worst match ever” and calling Wyatt “overrated” and the “worst wrestler in WWE”, oh another doozy was that he “killed” wrestling…oh please. Fickle fools, who want everything to be a game of generic superstars battling and have no open mind for creative risks. With these closed mindsets, we’d never have got The Undertaker (who recently gave Wyatt the torch in a great moment on RAW XXX), Kane or any of the faces of Mick Foley. It genuinely annoys me how people really do not even take time to appreciate effort and passion. Opinions are fine but this aggrandised nonsense from clueless armchair pundits is pathetic frankly. Anyway, imperfect this all might have been, but it gave the show much needed variety and I had a great time with it. And I will gladly watch as many Uncle Howdy platform dives, masked Wyatt horror scenes and flaming mayhem as Bray wishes to give us. That said, next time WWE, please don’t slap brand names all over it!

3. WWE RAW Women’s Championship Match

Bianca Belair (c) vs. Alexa Bliss

Sadly, this match suffered on two fronts. The crowd were still re-energising after the Rumble, and with the last match giving us such crazy scenes, this match could not really repeat the Uncle Howdy haunts, so it seemed very tame by comparison. Plus, the match itself was again very brief at around 7 minutes, with a clean as a sheet pinfall win for the unstoppable champion Bianca Belair and no real progression of Alexa Bliss’s darker side. After the match a dejected Bliss sat in the ring as Howdy’s voice echoed “do you feel in charge?” and a playground vignette played. All very forgettable unfortunately.  

4. 30-Woman Royal Rumble Match

This match was as I feared for Triple H’s era of Rumble match making. All in house stars, few massive shocks (barring Michelle McCool entering after being sat in the crowd with the family at #25) and many NXT stars that didn’t really go over that much with the audience. I admire pushing and cultivating current/future talent but this match’s positioning promised more than was delivered. That said, despite some more uneventful stretches, this match went alright overall. Rhea Ripley was not only the obvious victor but the perfect choice, although her going bell to bell from #1 to do it was a shock (setting a new Rumble record for the women’s match in the process by lasting 1hr 1 minute). Nia Jax’s controversial entry at #30 was not the big reveal many hoped for and Chelsea Green’s return at #20 only created a 5 second comedy bit, but there was thankfully some great sequences on offer like Asuke’s reveal as Evil Asuke (aka Kana) at #17 (which went over huge in the stadium and woke the crowd up and then some), as well as Piper Niven returning as Doudrop no more at #18. Also, this Rumble had a simply sublime final sequence that saw final three Asuke, Liv Morgan (who entered at #2 herself) and Ripley fight on the outside, with Asuke blinding Morgan with the mist, before being eliminated, while Morgan hit a codebreaker, almost clinching victory but Ripley hit a head scissors smoothly eliminating Morgan for the win. An awesome sequence. 

Hardy performed “Sold Out” for the crowd and it was, well, it was a song. I’ve seen worse, I’ve see better. I’d have been fine without it. Moving on… 

5. WWE Undisputed Universal Championship Match

Roman Reigns (c) w/ Paul Heyman and Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens

And now we arrive at the Island of Relevancy for the main event. Let’s get the main thing out of the way, there was not a single chance Owens was beating Reigns tonight. We all knew that. And, not to knock these two, but the match was kind of secondary to the ongoing story. These guys have had better matches, they’ve had worse matches, it was pretty much what was expected. Heavy hitting offence, an incapacitated referee, near fall kick outs, all inter-cut with Zayn’s loyalties being brought into focus. It was a fun match and the defiant finish was great, where a near broken Owens, after some violent head hits on the steel steps, slapped Reigns before falling victim to a third and final spear. Afterwards The Bloodline trotted out, Reigns relished being his most insufferable heelish self by orchestrating his team to handcuff Owens to the ropes and lay into him with kicks, chairs and whatnot, with an increasingly disturbed Zayn looking on. Then, came the moment, when Zayn was handed the chair and asked to take part, he pleaded to just leave it, before The Tribal Chief kept pushing and bullying and then…the chair shot heard all around the word. Zayn made his choice and smacked Roman! The crowd’s eruption was deafening and so ended this intriguing story of Honorary Uce! And as Roman and his minions then beat down Sami to a chorus of “f**k you Roman chants”, a dejected Jey Uso (who had done a complete turnaround and went to bat for Sami on RAW XXX) walked away heartbroken, refusing to join in. And as of writing, we have yet to see him again. A hell of a story, very well told, and which may well put WWE in a Daniel Bryan situation regarding WrestleMania if they are not careful, because many are calling out for Zayn to be the guy to bring the Roman Empire down. But I can’t see them doing it.

Royal Rumble was a fun show. Uneven perhaps but never bad. Even things that didn’t work were often redeemed by things that did. Both Rumble winners could be seen a mile off but were the right choices and the men’s match went far better than last year. The Pitch Black match was a fun horror spectacle that the internet man children need to calm the frig down about. And the main event was really all about that post-match moment, which will arguably be the scene that this show is remembered for. And yes, I know The Rock didn’t turn up, but so many with their fantasy booking set themselves up for disappointment with that one.

I digress, I am intrigued to see so many moving parts at work already for WrestleMania. Reigns/Cody, The Usos/Owens/Zayn, Uncle Howdy/Bray, Seth Rollins/Logan Paul, Edge/Judgment Day, Lesnar/Lashley, Evil Asuke, Dominik/Rey Mysterio and more, and we still have Elimination Chamber in Canada to come. Where we can pencil that Zayn vs. Reigns main event down as a must see I’m sure. I’m 90% sure we won’t see a change of endgame but who knows what may be pushed to happen? What will WWE do with all these parts I wonder? See you in the Chamber for the next detour in the road to WrestleMania.