Roobla’s Alternative Premier League Awards 2014/15

There are winners, there are losers… and then there are these awards

Best Signing of the Season Award
And the winner is… Tim Sherwood’s Cardigan

After being ridiculed for his love of gilets, new Villa boss Sherwood must’ve been wondering how best to dip into the clothing market for a new look to compliment his shirt and tie. He needn’t have worried as the multi-buttoned knit wear made its way into his wardrobe easier than Christian Benteke rediscovering his goal scoring touch. A victory for metrosexual men everywhere – the cardigan, not Benteke’s 11 goals in 10 games.

Worst Signing of the Season Award
And the winner is… Jake Livermore’s drug dealer

Unfortunately Jake couldn’t be here to collect this award, so Adrian Mutu and Mark Bosnich will accept it on his behalf. Lord knows how they’ll celebrate.

Manager of the Season Award (specially presented by John Carver)
And the winner is… John Carver

After insisting on a recount of the votes to be conducted by him personally, Coach Carver claims victory swanning off into the evening to share his genius with unsuspecting workers on the nightshift at a Tesco Express. Two league wins in 18 games and eight losses in a row will do that to you.

The Ashley Young Award for Going Down Too Easily
And the winner is… Mario Balotelli’s goals per game ratio

You know you haven’t had the best of seasons when you’ve been outscored by the likes of Ryan Shawcross, Wes Morgan, Carlton Cole, David Nugent and Steven Fletcher and shown about as much commitment as a sloth on valium. Come on Mario, at least Falcao looked like he cared some of the time.

The Shouldn’t Have Left the Room to Make a Cup of Tea Award
And the winner is… Sadio Mane’s hat-trick in two minutes 56 seconds

Following four goals in six minutes in their 7-1 rout of Brazil at last year’s World Cup, the German national team sportingly relinquish their award to a man who scored more league goals in three minutes than Roberto Soldado has all season.

The Mark Lawrenson Award for Questionable Punditry
And the winner is… Mark Lawrenson

A real shock this, with Alan ‘State the Bleeding Obvious’ Shearer bound to be disappointed. But Lawrenson takes the prize after his score predictions for the whole season amounted to Hull City finishing 9th and Swansea City 19th. Cue cries of “I pay my licence fee for this?” from the disgruntled audience.

The It’s Got 0-0 Written All Over It Award.
And the winner is… Southampton 8-0 Sunderland

The Saints with only six league goals at home and The Black Cats only conceding three away? “I’ll give that one a miss and give the kitchen a lick of paint instead” or “That game will be propping up Match of the Day tonight” is what most thought. Proof that the form book is about as reliable as an exit poll. Credit to Lawro, he had it as a 1-1 draw.

The This Lad’s the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread Award
And the winner is… Raheem Sterling’s agent

Because you have to be a pretty sound bloke to convince your 20 year-old client to turn down £100,000 a week and accuse the club of backing him into a corner. What’s that? It’s about trophies, not money? I guess we’ll ignore Liverpool coming within a slip of winning the league last season and reaching the semis of the FA Cup in which your client was more anonymous than an anorexic ant at a hippo’s wedding reception.

The Shouldn’t Have Blown My Money Like a Premier League Player Award
And the winner is… The 55 who won The Soccer Saturday Super 6 game on the same day

You can usually count the number of people in a season who scoop Jeff Stelling’s £250,000 prize for predicting six scores correctly on one hand. Even an octopus with opposable thumbs would’ve struggled here as a remarkable 55 players on the same day all thought they’d won the life changing sum. Cue thoughts of putting down payments on houses, luxury holidays and fancy cars. In the end the money was split, with the winners each receiving £4,545 or 0.0007613% of an Ángel Di Maria.

The They’re Worth How Much? Award
And the winner is… A.F.C. Bournemouth

Though technically not eligible for an award until next season, the chance to mention Bournemouth (stadium capacity 11,700 and heading for the Conference in 2009) are now a richer club than Benfica thanks to promotion is too good to turn down… Or maybe it’s a sad indictment of money ruining the game? You decide. Guess which one die hard Cherries fan Seth Rogen prefers.

The Kevin Keegan Award for Best Managerial Meltdown
And the winner is… Nigel Pearson

We would love it if King Kev were still on the touchline with his bottom lip wobbling and looking close to tears, but Pearson’s “I think you must be an ostrich” is a worthy winner. He takes home a papier-mâché journalist’s head buried in sand and, even more surprisingly, Leicester City’s Premier League status. A rare exception to the rule that a dip in sanity by a manager results in a dip in form.

The Groundhog Day Award
And the winner is… Lee Cattermole getting yellow carded

You have to feel for the likes of Martin Tyler and Steve Wilson, there are only so many times “Lee Cattermole picks up a booking” can be reworked. Perhaps one day we can hope for “And Cattermole nutmegs three players and scores a screamer from 30 yards!” to be heard instead. Don’t hold your breath.

The Nick Clegg Award for Abandoning a Sinking Ship
And the winner is… Harry Redknapp’s knee

Old ‘Arry’s resignation from QPR was entirely down to imminent knee replacement surgery. It had nothing to do with the club being run like a soap opera. Or the dire financial situation. Or the likes of Adel Taarabt being as much use as a flammable fire extinguisher. Or Tony Fernandes looking to bring in another manager. Or no wheeling and dealing on January transfer deadline day. What’s that? It may have been these? Never!

The Edgar Allan Poe Award for outstanding contribution to literature
And the winner is… Mario Balotelli

Mario now has more awards from us than league goals this season. This result was never in doubt after sharing an image on his Instagram of the Nintendo character Mario with the sentence “jumps like a black man and grabs coins like a Jew”. In the words of Mr. Poe, though slightly paraphrased, “Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, Balotelli went on social media and made a complete tit of himself”.

And so the final chapter closes on this season. Cheer up, after Sunday’s fixtures there are only 76 days until it starts all over again – cue collective groans from long suffering significant others across the country.