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As time goes on, it turns out that horror movies get a lot less scary than we remember. Naturally the reaction of horror directors is to find more stuff to make them scarier; things that will infiltrate our homes and our sense of security. We no longer live in a world where bad things don’t happen during the day. You may have thought you were safe taking out the trash in your own home or merely using your own lavatory but you are sadly mistaken.
Here are ten regular, boring and perfectly innocent things that you can no longer do with ease thanks to horror movies…
10. Taking A Shower
It’s been a long day, you’ve been to the gym and you’re ready to lather up to rid yourself of the day’s stench of shame and exhaustion. The warm running water soothes you and you imagine for a moment that you are a dolphin thrashing under a waterfall until, out of nowhere, you see a shadow on the other side of the curtain…
Who Ruined It For You: Psycho (1960)
Alfred Hitchcock‘s Psycho is the main offender here showing us that taking a shower at the Bates Motel will leave you dripping in ‘chocolate syrup’ and screaming at a man in drag. The worst death is always a naked, sudsy-haired death. However, The Grudge is also to blame as it implies that vengeful ghosts have the ability to grab you mid-wash. Final Destination on the other hand teaches us the perils of dropped soap showing that even Death itself won’t tolerate your clumsiness or your ridiculously long shower sessions.
9. Watching TV
Excited to catch up on the latest episode of Breaking Bad, or you know, EastEnders? You’ve also recorded all the re-run episodes of Gossip Girl to watch in guilty solitude and who says it’s a crime to tune in and forget your real life troubles? With your slippers on and a cold drink and nachos by your side you get ready for some serious ‘me’ time. That is until you find that your television is not quite working right…
Who Ruined It For You: Poltergeist (1982), Ringu (1998)
Lazy parents used to plonk their kids in front of the idiot box as a kind of robotic babysitter yet the spooky 1982 classic Poltergeist, where a little girl gets sucked into the TV, has now shattered all those reassuring celluloid fantasies of keeping those damn kids quiet. Worse still is the crap that climbs out of your TV as seen in The Ring. Just when you think you are safe now that VHS has been rendered useless, you find out that those creepy tapes are now available on Blu-ray.
8. Using A Baby Monitor
Kids are crafty and the only way to make sure they’re not sneaking out and buying kegs at the age of one is to install a baby monitor in their nursery. It’s reassuring. You can both hear and see your baby sleeping with the knowledge that you don’t have to lift a finger until you hear squawking infant cries emitting from that overly expensive and glorified walkie talkie. But there’s nothing in What To Expect When You’re Expecting to tell you what to do when a noise that doesn’t sound like your baby decides to make contact.
Who Ruined It For You: Insidious (2011)
In Insidious we see doting mother Rose Byrne hear something sinister in the room where her baby is sleeping – when she gets up there the room is empty. Despite having heard a booming voice and ghostly whispers THERE IS NOTHING THERE. Did they baby learn to talk in demonic tongues or is there something else in there with it? Ten points on the creep factor for that one.
7. Cleaning Out Your Attic
Let’s cut to the chase. Whilst attics are supposedly really scary places because they’re dark and empty, they are actually incredibly boring. Anyone who goes into their own attic will tell you that the entire space is filled with junk, all the toys and clothes that you don’t want to remember, dead insects and great big hulking pieces of loft insulation. Asbestos is probably the scariest thing in your attic right now. But scary attics are making a comeback. Suddenly those bumps, groans and rattling chains are growing more of a concern…
All of these movies seem to feature people finding gnarly stuff in attics. In The Skeleton Key it was a load of weird voodoo stuff, in Sinister it was Super 8 reels of gruesome murders, in Hellraiser it was a portal to a hell dimension, in Beetlejuice it’s a bunch of ghosts and ghouls and in Paranormal Activity it was a burnt picture of you with a really out of date hairstyle from your now non-existent burned down house. Weird. Most people put their stuff in attics either because it’s embarrassing or rubbish they can’t bring themselves to take to the dump… but it turns out that even more people leave their evil stuff up there for innocent bystanders to find by accident.
6. Taking Pictures
When the digital age began, we rejoiced. No longer would we have to take pictures on stupid film cameras where the lady at Kodak would question the negatives of us drunk and nude. No more would there be a day where we would pick up our prints only to be disappointed by how terrible we all looked in them after paying so much. We no longer had to ‘shake’ our polaroids. We no longer had to ‘watch a birdie’ and be blinded by a flash. And the best bit is that we can upload every single one of them onto the internet. But wait, what’s that? Behind you, in the corner of the picture? Is it a problem with the camera? Nope, just the undead.
Who Ruined It for You: Shutter (2008)
Wow thanks Shutter. Now all of our Facebook pictures need to be cross examined and tagged with the ghostly images of people who have passed on but are still vain enough to take selfies. Lame.
5. Answering Your Phone
Who is that calling you at this hour? Is it your mum checking to see if you’ve eaten your five a day or your grandma asking if you can come and fix her porch swing? Is it work calling to say that you’re actually meant to be at work and not lying on the sofa in your own filth? Telesales maybe? You don’t want any stinking insurance; ‘Go away!’ you yell at the phone. In a rage you answer to give them a piece of your mind, but it’s not who you think it is.
Who Ruined It for You: Scream (1996)
“What’s Your Favourite Scary Movie?” is probably the most terrifying phrase uttered over a telephone line since ‘What are you wearing?’. After all it was the 90’s and they were simpler days. Right now you can Instagram a picture of a corpse to do the trick. Poor Drew Barrymore, after answering the doomed call she then finds, much to her dismay, that the call ( thanks to all this amazing technology again… great!) is actually coming from inside the house. Prank calls just got scarier.
There is nothing more boring than driving. Except maybe driving behind an 80 year old woman doing 20 miles per hour in the fast lane during rush hour. Most people drive because they need to get from one place to another; a relatively simple task which can be made more fun by the use of blasting gangster rap out of the windows and slowing down as you try to look ‘pimp’ whilst ordering a strawberry milkshake at a drive-thru. So imagine the horror when your milkshake and Happy Meal toy euphoria is cut short…
Who Ruined It for You: Slasher movies, zombie movies, Jeepers Creepers (2001), I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
Whether it be the killer you’ve previously escaped hiding in the back-seat or zombies trying to claw through the windshield, driving is a lot more high risk than you might think and that’s not even including drunks, bad weather and speed freaks. Plus there’s always the chance you’ll end up drag racing with a horrible liver-eating monster, or worse, hitting somebody and having them haunt you until your imminent death by a fisherman with a coat hanger.
3. Going To The Bathroom
This one is really messed up. The bathroom is a private place of solitude and unspoken activities. We do not discuss what goes down in the bathroom because it is a peaceful time where we carry out our most intimate human functions in a very vulnerable manner. Imagine how it must feel to be that guy in Jurassic Park, or indeed Elvis, and die on the toilet?
Who Ruined It for You: Dogma (1999), Zombieland (2009)
We think all we are going to establish is that zombies and serial killers really don’t care how or where they are going to kill you so the toilet is almost definitely a place which is of no exception. No one is going to wait outside for five minutes until you finish and wash your hands which is exactly what makes it so disturbing and terrifying. They don’t care about your shame, they don’t care about your dignity and they certainly don’t care about whether you wipe or not.
2. Going To Bed
Everyone knows that your bed is your fortress against evil. If you put your head under the covers, all of the world’s problems melt away in a snuggly marshmallowy blanket of sheer joy. Unfortunately, Hollywood is no longer satisfied with your ‘den’ or your ‘safe haven’ and they want to rip apart any sense of comfort or security you have in life.
Who Ruined It for You: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
There’s a reason why cases of insomnia were on the increase after 1984. Not only can the terrifying Freddie Krueger get you whilst you are in your bed, he can get inside your dreams. And not even in the cool Inception way. The more you pinch yourself to wake up, the more you realise that there is no escape from the knife-handed bastard who keeps stopping you from marrying Johnny Depp and riding a unicorn through a forest made of pizza .
1. Having Sex
Whilst many will write this off as not being ‘mundane’ enough for the list, it’s a pretty standard practice among the human population. From the bog-standard baby making to saucy romantic romps; mid-coitus you suddenly become very aware of your genitals and state of well-being as you hear a noise outside.
Who Ruined It for You: Every Horror movie ever
Movies love to follow this very old fashioned and Biblical rule where sex and people who have sex in movies must be punished. Take your average ‘slutty teenagers’ of the movie for example. You can guarantee that the first one to remove her bra will be the first to be brutally murdered whilst the innocent virgin will be the only survivor. Halloween (1978), Friday The 13th (1980) and Cabin In The Woods (2012) are the best examples of wild weekends gone awry in a frenzy of bare breasts and death. The result? Constantly having to worry that if you have sex you are going to DIE.