Review: Cockneys vs. Zombies (2012)

Ancient zombies hungry for brains are unearthed on an East London building site. Nearby, a gang of useless bank robbers are attempting to steal some much needed cash. Will the un-dead ruin their escape route?

Yes it sounds stupid, but stupid in a way that makes you more intrigued than anything else. Cockneys? In a movie? Fighting zombies? What is there not to like? Well, unless you have links, no matter how vague, to London’s East End, then not much really.

OK, as zombie films go it’s not bad, as British films go it’s also not bad. As films in general go, well it’s no Oscar winner, but then it’s not meant to be. It’s called Cockney’s Vs. Zombies for goodness sake; surely you weren’t expecting an epic tale of love, honour and triumph over evil to the backdrop of pie, mash and liquor?

So what exactly is it about? Well it does exactly what it says on the tin. Two young Cockney lads Andy Macguire (Harry Treadaway) and his brother Terry (Rasmus Hardiker) put together a group of dysfunctional idiots to rob a bank. They need the cash to stop the old people’s home where their granddad lives from closing. Meanwhile, zombies have been unearthed at a nearby building site and of course start eating everyone getting in the way of their escape. Once they realise the East End has become a Dead End (buh dum tss), they decide to head to their granddad’s old people’s home to rescue him and leave their manor behind.

Part heist movie, part zombie comedy, it tries a bit too hard to be like Shaun of the Dead, without really hitting the mark. A lot of the comedy is too ‘local’ to really mean much to anyone who doesn’t speak Cockney rhyming slang, but there are still a few moments and witty one liners, especially when the zombies are being killed, where it’s enjoyable enough to watch.

Gorgeous Michelle Ryan, does bring a touch of class to the proceedings and mixes her previous roles as the Bionic Woman and Zoe Slater (from Eastenders) really well and excellent cameos by Honor Blackman, Alan Ford and Richard Briers do certainly help break down any non-London comedy barriers, but sadly they just aren’t enough to push this movie into classic British comedy territory.

Cockney’s Vs. Zombies isn’t a bad film, it’s light hearted with enough gore for the zombie fans, enough comedy to detract from the standard ‘run away or you will die’ storyline and there’s a good ol’ sing along with Chas and Dave at the end, but it’s not much else than a right Royal Cockney knees up.

Best scene: Richard Briers ‘runs away’ from the zombies.
Best line: “He’s eating a foot. That’s fucking disgusting.”