Taboo has been dark, atmospheric, sultry and is advancing….at a slightly glacial pace. But it has forced us to ask some probing questions – particularly if you have a thing for Tom Hardy.
1. Should we all pretend we would have started watching this if Tom Hardy hadn’t been in it?
Come on, film stars in TV is a dead cert – I’d watch Tom Hardy read bedtime stories on CBeebies. (N.B This happened.)
2. How slim are the pickings in this land if Tom Hardy only wants to hop-on his half-sister?
Granted, she is a very pretty half-sister.
3. Okay the reviews did say this was a slow burner but is the main plot going to move forward now?
No hate – but Delaney has been talking about tea, killing assassins and eye-screwing his half-sister every episode now and he is still no nearer to building the ‘shipping empire’ promised in the log lines. Does someone want to remind him he only has 3 episodes left?
4. If I had a pound for every time Tom Hardy said ‘Nootka Sound is not for sale’ – could I have bought Nootka Sound by now?
Considering the value of the pound in those days probably.
5. Are they seriously saying Tom Hardy can arouse ladies through mental brainwaves?
And could this be, like, a real thing in real life?
6. Does Zilpha ever get out of her ‘me-time’ bed or does she just writhe around in there like every day is a sick day?
Seriously Zilpha, no wonder your husband’s a tad pissed off.
7. Is there sexual tension with the step-mum now?
Yep – clearly very few Tinder options in early 19th century London.
8. Does Zilpha’s husband ever wash that white shirt?
Every time he stacks it into her bedroom (does he keep a baby monitor in there? Or possess a sixth sense for when she is all hot under the collar?) all I can look at are those tea-stained sleeves…
9. Do the East India Company get their assassins from a specialised Crap Assassin Convention?
…then return to their drawing room, discuss and conclude ‘we will send another crap assassin’?
10. Do you reckon that exorcist guy just pretends to be an exorcist so he can touch ladies’ boobs?
Never saw that technique in the film…
11. Did Delaney do that whole ‘I don’t fancy her – wait – you fancy her? Actually, yeah, I’ve kind of liked her for a while…’ act on the chemist?
Not cool Tom. Not cool.
12. WHEN WILL SOMETHING HAPPEN?
Officially writhing around on the sofa like Zilpha waiting for Delaney to either go get his tea or sleep with someone. Either would do.