“Seriously, this fucking kid?!”

If you know me, which I’m sure none of you do, you’ll know that I love Spider-Man a whole hell of a lot – I have my own suit and stash of Amazing Spider-Man comics in my mum’s loft. So when I first heard that they had axed the Amazing Spider-Man series of films, I was devastated. I mean thank god Shailene Woodley never got a chance to get involved and get all poor man’s Jennifer Lawrence over it, and at least I won’t have to watch a movie without Emma Stone’s Gwen Stacey – or some dumbass ghostly hauntings of her like we see of her dad in the second film. But alas, no more Andrew Garfield, who did a much better job than he’s given credit for. He had to contend with redoing an origin story whilst having everything thinking, “really, this again?!” But he was different and, like Jurassic World, was able to get us engaged all over again in one of the most familiar comic book stories ever told. With the help of Ms. Stone of course, who seemingly is one of those people that is just faultless pretty much all the time, and their chemistry does wonders for the film.

Also, just a quick question but everyone else picked up on Irrfan khan banging on about Richard Parker again, yeah? He wasn’t a real tiger mate, move on with your life!

Oh…

The best thing about Spider-Man is you can take the word Amazing out of the title and it’s still amazing. I loved the Sam Raimi trilogy – even the third one! And Toby Maguire by all accounts was an excellent Peter Parker/Web-head, and Spider-Man 2 is still easily the best superhero movie ever made. If you ask me it’s probably a whole hell of a lot to do with Alfred Molina’s Doc Ock – he’s like a baddie, but also a good guy; do I feel sorry for him? Is he secretly the main event here? I dunno, but what I do know is when Spidey webs that giant clock hand and flings it back up at him I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

SIDEBAR: I’m gonna say that’s my favourite bit in any Marvel movie. A close second being when Hulk grabs a falling Iron-Man out of the sky in Avengers Assemble. Third one? Easy. Toby Maguire’s reaction to when Kirsten Dunst does the whole bit where Mary-Jane realises Peter has blue eyes.

So I hope I’ve got across to you at least a fraction of my passion for all things Spidey related. So now try and understand my distain towards Tom fucking Holland – fucking of course being an old old Gaelic name meaning “I don’t give a shit if you can do a backflip, I don’t want another bloody origin story.”

And I guess that’s what’s bugging me the most, how I’m seeing endless articles about how he was “born to be Spider-Man,” just because he can do a flip. Hey, I’m 99.9% sure Christian Bale never mutilated and murdered anybody but he was an amazing Pat Bateman… okay 80% sure, but the point is still valid. Fine! 70%. I mean, probably (definitely) that lighting guy he was giving out to on the set of Terminator Salvation but that was way way after American Psycho.

Another thing is that  Marvel and Sony are trying to justify this reboot by saying they’re introducing Spidey into the Marvel Universe, so it wouldn’t make sense for all the events of Avengers to have taken place in Spidey’s hometown and him not have anything to do with it. Okay, fair enough. You have stemmed my anger, I totally forgive you and agree that a reboot of a reboot is exactly the cutting edge cinema we need.

But wait, why stop at Spider-Man. I mean, The Fantastic Four, where were they during all this? And the X-Men, were they busy were they? Because correct me if I’m wrong (which I’m not) but Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch are definitely X to the Men! So why single out Spider-Man?

I know the real world answer is because of film rights, money making, and probably merchandising – there are just not enough male character in super-hero movies. But if your rights and regulations are going to dictate how you decide to make your movies then why are you making these movies? Surely anyone with any kind of artistic integrity, which I’m sure Josh Whedon – puppet master of all things Marvel in the cinema world – has in droves. So why another reboot, why not spice it up?

I’m guessing we all saw the Sony leak stating that Peter must always be white, straight, and a virgin until at least 16. But why not just leave poor Pete alone and start again with someone else. You know, an origin story.

If I remember rightly, Spider-Man wasn’t the only Spider type Man/Woman/Girl; it seems like that spider who done bit ol’Petey must’ve got around a bit. Not many people know of Miles Morales, but allow me to make your acquaintances for you. He’s a teenager, he’s of Black Hispanic descent, oh, and yeah, he’s Spider-Man. Are you catching my drift?

 

Spider-Man Chronology (since 2002):

– Tobey Maguire, American, nerdy looking, not typically athletic.

– Andrew Garfield, English from Surrey, not nerdy looking, gymnast.

– Tom Holland, English from Surrey, not nerdy looking, gymnast.

 

10 points to Gryffindor for the first person to spot where they’ve gone wrong.

Progression, people! Or at least change. We’ve got hashtags like #lovewins – you know, gay marriage legalised in the whole of America, yet we can’t seem to bring ourselves to have a black Spidey?

Maybe it’s a bit of an extreme comparison to make but c’mooooon Hollywoooood, don’t be boring. And that’s the point isn’t it, it’s boring. Don’t make me hate Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man! You can churn out as many Terminator films as you see fit, but give Spidey a fighting chance. His origin story is so good, and I guess that’s why they want to play it and replay it, but they have to realise a good origin story is designed specifically to develop a good story, not just be retold over and over and over, and yeah, over.

However, my burning passion for the web-slinger is particularly fiery, so obviously I’m excited to see him out and about on the big screen again, but I’ll be secretly livid about it. And what I’ve seen of Holland so far, is kinda average, but hopefully he’ll step up.

I guess it’s guilty until proven innocent for Mr. Tom F Holland – wait strike that, reverse it.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was good, maybe I’ll make Willy Wonka my new hero…

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